


Bleed in Me songfic (pt. 1)

by Bubblesboo



Series: Songfics [1]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Obscure Sphinx
Genre: HOld up, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, One-sides Steggy, Stucky - Freeform, for some reason I wrote him as Hannibal lector from the silence of the lambs, i have never seen tfa, i haven’t seen tws in probably 2 years, i made up a character his name is Vinnie and I love him, lots of flashbacks, mafia, one-sided staron, peggy and sharon want steve but he’s like no I have bucky, please listen to it I am begging you, song is bleed in me by Obscure Sphinx, sure as fuck isn’t in the canon, tony stark isn’t an asshole, zola is a creepy bastard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26753872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubblesboo/pseuds/Bubblesboo
Summary: “Violence shapes people. Ordinary humans use and abuse violence when without emotion, when we lose all love. When you hurt the ones you love, the is the greatest violence of all.From violence the Winter Soldier was born.“Bucky?””
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: Songfics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948708
Kudos: 6





	Bleed in Me songfic (pt. 1)

**Author's Note:**

> I put a lot of effort into this. I chose this version of the word soldier, воин, because another interpretation is “berserker”, which I thought fit the Winter Soldier better. As always, please critique my writing and enjoy the story! 
> 
> P.S. I honestly didn’t realize how much this one fic influenced this until I started writing. Please read “The Ungraceful Act of Falling” by buckyfuckybarnes if you haven’t already!
> 
> P.S.S. My Tumblr is Doyalikewaffles, so feel free to chat with me!

So...you're drowning nowhere~

_"My, what a wonderful day!" Peggy chirped over the radio, a smile playing on her lips, judging from the tone, and Steve knew it well._

_"Maybe for you. I know I don't think it's wonderful," Steve retorted. Truthfully, he didn't think any day would-could-be wonderful without Bucky by his side._

_Of course, Peggy couldn't know, as much as he trusted her. Nobody could know. They would lobotomize him, or worse, outright kill him. Nobody had_ _ever known about their relationship, and for Bucky, Steve wanted it to stay that way._

_"Steve, I know you're sad," Peggy started, "but you need to put your country before yourself."_

_"You don't understand, Peg, and I don't expect you to be able to. I tried. I tried so damn hard. I want to go ahead but I just can't."_

_"Steve, it's not like he was your lover."_

_Silence followed her statement. "...Steve? You guys weren't in love, were you?"_

_"Peggy, I'm so sorry-"_

_"You lied to me," Peggy whispered. "Captain America is a fruit. A queer." Pausing, she added with an accusatory whisper, "you never loved me."_

_"Peggy, you know what they'll do to me. Please, don't say a word," Steve pleaded._

_"Steve, my job isn't to lie about you being a homosexual to the military. I have to tell them the truth."_

_"Please, no..." Steve trailed off. He was trying to gain some clarity, a thought that would allow him to be able to somehow make his way out._

_Something came over him. It was an instinctive, intrusive desire, like the one he felt for Bucky._

_He very slowly became aware. It was as if he had become God himself with the omniscience and omnipresence that came with it. He saw multiple outcomes, and only one seemed to be the least harmful to him._

_"Peggy, I do love you, okay? Just not in the way that you want. Save me a dance, okay?"_

_"Rogers, what the hell are you saying? I'm gonna report you. There are no second chances."_

_"Just stay there, alright? I don't know when I'll be back."_

_Steve has never heard been able to hear anything underwater until now, let alone someone else's scream. It fascinated him until he realized he couldn't breathe, and Peggy wasn't the only one screaming._

_"Steve! Steve, can you hear me? Where are you?" she sobbed. "Oh my god, this is all my fault..."_

_If he had breath in his lungs he would assure her that this was his own doing, however he did not have that._

_He would have to swim up for such luxuries._

_He wondered if he could even die. The serum seemed to have cured him of his colorblindedness, his asthma, any previous ailments, everything. Well, except for his queerness. He needed something more powerful for that._

_He looked up and saw ice. He froze; he couldn't get out. He really was going to die. His lungs felt like they were burning, the rest of him was turning into ice, freezing, and he was going to die._

Spindrifting a particle of an iceberg~

"What the hell is that?" Tony asked Peggy as they crosses the Arctic. "Is that a plane? Let's check it out!"

Peggy, meanwhile, looked like a ghost. Her face was paler than anybody had ever seen it. "It's the Valkyrie," she whispered.

"Th-the what? You mean the thing your boyfriend Captain America crashed?" Lowering his voice, he added, "are we gonna recover a body?"

"We never-we never dated, Tony. We might have to get his body. He never got a proper funeral," the Brit explained.

"Wait a minute," Tony interjected. "You never dated Captain America? My dad said you two were a thing for _months!"_

"I...well..." Peggy hesitated. "Just go down there. I don't want to think about it longer than I have to."

They could see the ice and snow on the giant machine flaking and spraying when the helicopter landed.

From your freezing cold inside~

Steve was aware again. He couldn't move, but he could think and feel, and hear.

"He has a pulse! Thaw him out!" he heard someone yell out. He could tell he wasn't in the Valkyrie anymore, but beyond that he was clueless. He was only in there for a couple minutes, right?

"Tony, nothing ever happened between us. I can't explain it to you, though. Captain America has been immortalized and I don't wanna ruin that," Steve overheard a familiar British accent say.

"Oh come on, Peggy. I'm basically your godson. You can tell me," He heard someone else groan out.

'Peggy's alive?' Steve realized.

"What? Did him and Barnes bone or something? I mean that's fine, I don't judge but if that's what-"

"Anthony Stark!" Peggy scolded as Steve's blood froze. He felt a shiver run down his spine. Slowly, he opened his eyes.

You were sailing into unknown~

_Steve frantically ran and freed the men. HYDRA had taken them prisoner, and Steve would be damned if he didn't get them out._

_He heard what his mind immediately labeled as danger. Machines whirring, people laughing and crying and shouting. He didn't want to go in. Needs are more important than wants, however, and he made himself run into the dark abyss._

_Lab equipment was strewn carelessly across the room. It was dark and soaked with a caked substance that appeared to be blood. Steve readied his shield as he heard footsteps and talking along with muffled screams._

_In the midst of it all he found James Buchanan Barnes, the love of his life, being tortured on a table._

Wandering oceans~

"So you _were_ a thing?" Tony asked for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"I'm not answering that," Steve responded again. "It's an extremely invasive question."

"What? It's not like you were committing a crime." Oh. That one was new.

"I would've been committing a crime. And there's a good reason it was illegal, just ask Peggy."

_'That_ was _not_ the response Tony thought he would get', Steve figured as soon as Tony shut his mouth. "What?! What do you mean "good reason"?"

Steve figured the only way to keep Bucky safe was to hide his relationship and any feelings he felt towards anything related to same-sex relationships. He wished he could shout, scream from the top of this lungs how much he loved the brunette.

"Well," Steve started, bile rising in his throat at what he was about to say and an odd feeling settling in his abdomen, "I have never agreed with the choice of being queer. It has tarnished America's image and made us a nation found not under God, but under the belief that wrong is right."

Tony's eyes were wide, like dinner plates with golden-brown irises in the middle. "Oh, dear god, this is out of my jurisdiction. Peggy! Fury? A little help here?"

Although Fury was away, they still had Peggy in all of her graying glory. She still looked just as stunning and beautiful as Steve remembered, and if he didn't have Bucky, he would've fell to her feet seventy years ago.

Peggy closed the door and glared at him. "Why are you lying?" she asked him. "What do you have to gain?"

"I have to protect Bucky. It's the only way I can still save him."

"Bucky is dead and you don't hate gay people. Start acting like it."

Steve looked up at Peggy, eyes wandering across her face like he had the ocean reflected in his eyes.

You were sailing so long~

_He twirled with the taller man, letting out a little, indignant laugh at Bucky's wide, exhilarated grin and an even louder one when his downstairs neighbor tapped on the ceiling with a broom handle. "Stevie, were bein' too loud!" Bucky boasted, a raucous laugh accompanying his statement._

_"I'm gonna walk down to the goddamn police station, you two!" their neighbor threatened. They knew he wouldn't; he worked for the Mafia after all, and the queers and the Italians had something of a shaky alliance in New York._

_"Alright Vinnie, we won't interrupt your beauty sleep again," Bucky teased. The boys upstairs heard the Italian moan._

_"Whatever. 'Night," Vinnie said as the boys calmed down._

_"'Night!" the chads shouted back. They looked at each other in bewilderment. "Did-he just threaten to arrest us?" Steve asked, eyes wide with ill-hidden fear._

_"He's just messin' 'round doll, it's nothing to get your panties in a bunch about," Bucky attempted to qualm any fear he saw in Steve's eyes. Softening, he added, "I know you're scared, but it'll work out in the end. We just can't let anyone know. Plus," Bucky whispered, pulling Steve in close, "Vinnie'll get arrested 'fore we do."_

_"I know, I know, I just..." Steve trailed off. "We've been hiding for so damn long. I just wanna kiss you or hold your hand and I-"_

_Bucky pulled the blond into a hug, effectively cutting off his sentence. "I love you, and I don' needa show it for everyone to know, or for you to know either. It's written into my eyes, it's stitched all over my skin. I. Love. You. If anyone ever finds out 'bout us, I'll rain hell down on 'em, Stevie, just you watch."_

So long alone~

Steve learned the Avengers-note, Pepper-did not care about politics unless it made the Avengers look better. They weren't allowed to publicly endorse a senator or president, but they could still vote (and yes, Steve voted for Obama.) and give little snippets of opinion.

If Steve had had Bucky by his side, he'd be a lot more liberal. He said he supported the Civil Rights protests of the 60's (he did), allowing women to serve in the military (he especially did because he knew how much of a badass Peggy was), but being asked about gay rights was another story.

He had a verbatim speech he had to read every time he was asked, albeit with a few tweaks:

"In my day, you could not be openly LGBT without being arrested or killed. The progress that they have made should be an example to us all."

He desperately wanted to tell everyone the truth; he was putting up a façade, he was actually in love with another man, that he supported his own people 100%.

Not having Bucky around made everything harder. There was nobody to tell him how to do things, Bucky was always the tech nerd, always smarter and _more._ Steve never minded, of course, but it did make things harder.

'Always alone but never lonely,' Steve thought. And me meant it.

You're thawing~

"Steve!" Natasha groaned, exasperated. "Being gay isn't-"

"Your explanation is flimsy at best and stupid at worst," Steve said, narrowing his eyes at the redhead.

"Yeah, but times are different, old man. You can't hate gays anymore. It's like Black people and segregation," Clint offered.

"Well, segregation was actually a problem for a long time and they deserve to live freely without discrimination. I cannot say the same for-"

"You've got the first part Capsicle," Tony stated. "Now you've got to get the rest."

"I don't-" He was cut off by his phone. "Hang on, I'm gonna take this real quick."

Steve didn't even get a sentence in before he heard Sharon voice. "We need you down here right now. Effective immediately."

"I gotta go..." Steve trailed off awkwardly.

"What do you mean "The Winter Soldier"? Who the hell is that?" Steve asked as he walked with the files in his hand, reading as he went. "Ghost story? How come I've never heard of them?"

"Not them. It," Peggy's niece muttered, sending chills down Steve's spine. "It's appearing again around parts of Europe. We need the Avengers to-"

"All of us for one man?" Steve asked. "Isn't that a bit excessive? There's no way we really-"

"Yes, it's necessary. This thing is dangerous," Sharon said, glancing at Steve for a couple of unneeded moments.

"Some people have theorized that he fell from a train, hence the metal arm," a blonde Steve hasn't met before added, "but, that's just a simple hypothesis. Really, nobody knows how he got so powerful, which is why we have so much trouble taking him-and therefore H.Y.D.R.A.-down."

"I've had to take him on myself. I've seen what he can do. He once ripped a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent's head clean off," Rumlow said, his voice wavering.

Chills ran down Steve's spine. This...thing, who or whatever it was, obviously had no regard for human life.

He knew Rumlow wouldn't exaggerate. Being the commander of the S.T.R.I.K.E. team, he would know what a machine like the Winter Soldier was capable of.

"That being said," Sharon spoke, turning her determined face towards Steve, "are you ready for a fight?"

Awaiting the night~

'Cause the day you couldn't bare~

_"I heard a robotic sound, and next thing I know my husband's lying on the ground! I had to cover my mouth because I couldn't be heard by that...thing. A human being isn't capable of such emotionless killing."_

'I know some who would beg to differ,' Steve thought. However, he couldn't help but become engrossed in the file on the Howling Commandos. It was his chance to learn what had become of the men he would almost consider brothers.

_"He kept screaming for me, for our kids, for help. I was terrified for him. He kept saying something..."_

_[What was it, Mrs. Jones? Every detail helps.]_

Steve snorted trying to think of the interviewee, Howard Stark, as a comforting presence.

_“_ _He kept saying...charge? Sarge! He kept saying that. Sarge, sergeant, I think I heard barn?“_

_[Barnes?]_

Steve and Howard has apparently had the same idea. ‘Bucky fell from the train,’ Steve thought, ‘that’s not possible.’

_“Maybe. He was calling him names, but none of them made any sense. He was acting like he knew this guy all along.”_

_[What kind of names, Mrs. Jones?]_

_“...Ducky?”_

_[Bucky.]_

_“I think so. But wasn’t he the one that fell from the train? I think Gabe was reliving his last moments. He asked the guy what his name was, and the man replied in the most horrible, low, grating, harrowing Russian accent. I knew he was going to kill Gabe in that moment.”_

_(At this point in the interview, Gabe Jones’s widow breaks down in tears and begs to go home to her children.)_

_[Mrs. Jones, please tell me what his name was, and I promise I will let you go.]_

_“It was...it was...oh God... (unintelligible)”_

Steve had tears in his eyes. If this really was Bucky, then how did H.Y.D.R.A. get ahold of him? Why would Bucky even do that? It made no sense to him. Bucky would never kill innocent people.

_[Mrs. Jones?]_

_“The Asset! The Asset! The man with the metal arm! Please let me go please!”_

_(Interview ends)_

Steve put a hand over his mouth to stifle his sobs. ‘There’s no way...no...this can’t be...’

When you awaited the night the day tormented you~

_A cold seeped into Steve’s bones. He had to walk home in the cold with nothing but Bucky’s good jacket to keep him warm, and at this rate the blonde didn’t think it would help._

_He sneezed gently into his elbow. “Gross,” he mumbled to himself. He walked a bit faster, because if a cold was coming after him, he didn’t want any part of it._

_The sky had elegant streaks across it, beautiful dark blue and indigo clashing with pretty pinks and striking yellows that fuzzed around a raising moon. If Steve had his sketchbook, he would try to sketch it out with his cheap colored pencils._

_Suddenly, a sharp yank at his hair made him slam headfirst into an alleyway. He didn’t care; he had no money and nothing of value. If this person wanted a fight, by God above Steve would give him one._

_“Heard you’re one of ‘em pussy queers, huh?” The sleaze degraded._

_Steve’s eyes widened. How did they know? It wasn’t like that was something you could be open about anyways, and he also knew that he couldn’t run._

_‘Well God,’ Steve thought, ‘give me a fight.’_

_“Hell no!” Steve cried._

_“Oh yeah? What about that boy Barnes? Real fruity for ya, ain’t ‘e?_

_“Me and him?” Steve forced himself to laugh. “God no.”_

_The man took a swing and hit Steve square in the jaw. Steve coughed and tried to kick him, but to no avail. The guy uppercut him in the gut then punched him in the center of his face. The man then threw punch after punch until Steve ended up on the ground, then kicked him repeatedly._

_The only reason he stopped was because Bucky came gunning towards him. His steely blue orbs reflected fury and fatigue, yet he ran with the speed of an Olympic runner. “What the fuck are you doing?”_

_Soon enough the man was on the ground and Bucky was on top of him, hitting him repeatedly, even when he stopped moving._

_The Winter Soldier’s first kill, lost in history._

Only a chaos of hues on the sky~

Was reflected hopefully in your eyes~

Natasha glanced up at the car roof. “What was that?”

Sam looked into the rear view mirror. “I think there’s a person up there,” he said casually.

Another loud thud sounded throughout the car once again. “Fuck!” Sam exclaimed.

“What the hell is that?” Steve asked.

Natasha looked out the window face paling. “Воин,” she whispered.

Sam and Steve exchanged fearful looks. Natasha never showed fear. Something was wrong.

Another thud, and sleek silver got its way inside the car. The car swerved to maneuver the arm out of the car, but all it did was make the hand grip and rip off part of the vehicle’s roof.

Natasha somehow produced a gun from her boot (when doesn’t she have a weapon on her?) and started to shoot an outline of a man.

The outline shot a bullet that went into the driver’s head, and the car swerved off of the road.

The man wasted no time in fighting them, and Steve couldn’t help but watch as him and Natasha dueled. While Natasha was quick and small, agile, the Winter Soldier was big and used brute force, and from what Steve had read, he had more training.

A knife went for Steve’s head immediately. He moved his head and blocked a punch. The воин flipped the knife and attempted to stab Steve, but he expertly dodged it and went to grab his shield.

The воин sprinted over to him, and Steve swung a fist at the brunette’s face.

He hit the goggles clean off of the assassin’s face, and was met with Bucky’s eyes.

Only in the night~

_Bucky practically scraped Steve off of the ground. “The hell were you thinking?”_

_“I din’t do nothin’. He dragged me there,” Steve responded, resting his head on Bucky’s comfortable-and probably sore-shoulder. “‘M sorry.”_

_Bucky sighed. “You gotta stop doin’ this Stevie,” he scolded softly, body vibrating with each sound._

_“He said I was a queer, and he said you were fruity. I didn’t do anythin’.”_

_“Oh Stevie,” Bucky whispered as he plopped Steve onto their shared couch, “I wish it wasn’t like this. Wish I could love you.”_

_“You already do, Buck. Nobody needs ta know. Please, don’t blame-“_

_“Blame myself? Steve, I’m the reason you got beat up. They woulda never laid a hand on you if I hadn’t...” Bucky trailed off with tears forming in his wonderful blue eyes._

_Steve tensed in fear. “Buck, w-what did you do?”_

_A sob left Bucky’s throat. “If I hadn’t been born.”_

_Steve’s vision went blurry with his tears. “Don’t say that. ‘S not like we can control it. I love you so, so much.”_

_Another sob left Bucky’s throat, and his hand flew up to stifle it. Steve slowly brought Bucky into his arms, audibly wincing at the pain in his, well, everywhere._

You’re thawing~

Steve swung his shield at the воин with the metal arm, clearly catching the man off guard. He momentarily pinned the slightly larger male to the van behind him, yet the blonde got away. Sam them appeared, throwing off H.Y.D.R.A. goons left and right. He shoulder-checked Steve’s maybe-lover and the assassin elbowed him in the jaw in return. “Shit!” Sam growled out.

“Go find Natasha!” Steve managed to pant out.

“And leave you with that thing? Hell no!” Sam shouted back.

The Winter Soldier threw a lunch that Steve managed to avoid, leaving a crater in van behind them.

Be at mercy of the sea currents~

_“Oh my God, Buck,” Steve whispered in horror, “He’s dead.”_

_“Who?” Bucky asked, rushing over to the kitchen counter his partner was leaning against._

_“The guy you beat the living shit out of. Buck, he’s dead!”_

_Bucky’s face was unreadable. The eyes are the windows to the soul, he remembers his ma telling him. Bucky has always been terrible at hiding the emotion in his eyes, and now is no different. He looks mortified._

_“Oh my God,” Bucky said, as if God had ever been with him, a murdering fag from Brooklyn, one of the most godless beings there were._

_“You killed him! You-“ Steve was cut off by a rapping at their door._

_Both of the men paled. Bucky slowly walked over to the door with shaky legs, left, right-shit, was that left?-and opened the door._

_Steve could hear the laugh from the doorway. “I knew it was you, kid. Ya got some guts doin’ that shit. Here, let me in.”_

_‘Vinnie,’ Steve thought, relieved, ‘thank God for you.’_

_Bucky gave a nervous chuckle as he led the older Italian into their pathetic apartment. “H-how did you know?” he asked._

_“Heard the conversation last night. You’ve really gotta watch out for yourself. You’re selfish, rushin’ inta that shit.”_

_“Selfless,” Steve muttered._

_“Huh?”_

_“I-this guy was about to kill Steve, and I-I just-“_

_“Oh, I get it now. Someone hurts ya man, you gotta defend him. Good on you then, you’ve got some heart. And don’t worry ‘bout the pigs comin’ after ya, we gotta stick togetha, right?” Vinnie said. He clapped Bucky between his shoulder blades, making him jump._

_“I-I swear I didn’t mean ta do it, but I’m not really mad about it...he hurt Steve, almost killed him and I just thought that it was right. I guess I just got a bit carried away and-“_

_“‘S fine kid. Ya gonna be fine. Now, don’t let Blondie ova’ there get hurt again, ya hear?”_

You were allowed to go to far~

_The train._

_Steve could hear thundering in his mind, always in his mind, like Bucky._

_Bucky was on the train with him. They were fighting Zola. Didn’t they always fight? Gunshots rang out, almost drowning out the train’s thunder._

Steve threw a punch and knocked the воин back a step. The assassin, mask black, black like his soul, a hollow shell from decades of abuse, shone in the sun.

“Who are you?” Steve asked in between pants. The weapon, ironically for a mouthpiece, could not speak.

_Steve put his hand over Bucky’s chest to protect him and move him behind his Captain._

_“Sarge, Sarge, Sergeant Barnes, 107th,” Zola tormented._

_Bucky was obviously scared. Steve wished that he could get rid of the more than a lifetime of pain his boyfriend had experienced._

_“You love him, don’t you, Mr. America? Love him lots. More than what’s legal?"_

_Bucky took a shot at him missed. Zola laughed._

Blood roared in Steve’s ears. It was just like the night on the roof, the night the Winter Soldier itself caught his shield.

The soldier reared it’s ugly head and the shield flew at him. Catching it actually made Steve slide back on his feet.

Sharon was right. This is a dangerous mission. They should’ve had more Avengers.

He saw his friends run towards him. The Asset lunged towards Steve, kicking him and knocking him off his feet. He hit the man with his shield and knocked him back in return.

When he stood up that mask was gone.

_Bucky was dangling uselessly on the side of the train. Bucky was close, so, so close. Steve could almost smell his fear. He inched towards him. It almost looked like the pictures on the theaters, the dramatic turn of events. One might even say the climax._

_Steve hurled himself towards Bucky as soon as he fell. His heart seemed to have fell with his Bucky. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the brunette, knowing this would be his last moments, his last screams of terror._

Violence. Violence violence violence. In violence we forget who we are. **Mary McCarthy**. Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? **Ernest Gaines**. Violence is a disease, a disease that corrupts all who use it regardless of the cause. **Chris Hedges**.

Violence shapes people. Ordinary human beings use and abuse violence when without emotion, when we lose all love. When hurt the ones you love, that is the greatest violence of all.

From violence the Winter Soldier was born.

“Bucky?”

You didn’t even notice when you thawed~


End file.
